The Butterflies Inside Me

There's so many things I'd like to say to you, but I'll only remember when I walk away. It's too late. Sorry for not being so bold but I am only human and a young one at that.
A work in progress I am. Timid and quiet I try not to be, but whenever you come around things get different. At night I try to practice my words. How I will make you laugh or interest you further into me but in all reality, it never works that way.
I think it's just you. Some powerful force that shells me up inside. I'm still not sure if the butterflies should be going as much as they do but one thing I know for sure. It's only you that has this hold on me.
-Tiffany Li

Sorry 2013

Dear Mr. You Know Who You Are,

Hey, it’s been awhile and no I don’t mean to ruffle your feathers but I wanted to say that I am sorry. It’s been so long and things have gotten so crazy but it’s that time of year and you’ve been on my mind. I’ve been thinking for a while and now that I’ve had time, I realized what I did wrong in our breakdown. For years I’ve been blaming you, putting it all on you when I’m just as bad to blame. Even worse when I think of it.

I blamed you for things that I was wrong for doing. I asked for way more than a man can possibly give. I pulled you and strained you. Used you and abused you. Left you hanging when I was out there claiming the victim. It wasn’t fair of me and I’m sorry for that.

But please, don’t let me interrupt your life now. I know you probably have a girlfriend and I wish you all the best. I just wanted to stop in and say that I am sorry. You were never wrong. It had to take a lot of bad guys after you to knock me into the realization that you were a good man. Not perfect, we never are but good and I hope that the next girl you decide to love can appreciate all that you are.

I hope that you’re still that good guy and if not, I’m sorry for turning you sour. You were good to me, it took years and heartbreaks and life altering pain to see that. I am sorry for not seeing the gem you were in a pile of rocks.

And no, I’m not saying this just to get back together because I couldn’t appreciate you the way you should be and probably never will. I just wanted to free you from any guilt you might have had about us. I just wanted to tell you. 

I’m sorry. 

-Tiffany Li

If

 If

If I acted nicer then maybe you would come back. But you would have to call me for me to do that.

If I forgot the past and started over, you would like me better. Right?

If I let go of my standards and went along with your pace we would work. But you’re at page one and I finished the book.

If I straighten my hair and painted my nails your favorite color you would complement me.

If I tired, really really tired then just maybe you would come around to liking me again. Please.

If I stopped my heart and became the cold hard calloused person you are then possibly you would understand how hard it is to love a person like you. I don’t know how to stop.

If I wasn’t me and more like your ex then maybe I could get the same consideration you gave her. 

But

If I became her, I would be a dipsy lackluster prude that never lets the light shine from out of me.

If I wasn’t weird there wouldn’t be my charisma to appreciate, my smile to love.

If I became like you, so walled up inside, I wouldn’t be the breath of fresh air I am, bringing freedom to those all around.

If I changed my looks to suit your needs then how would all admire me? I’d just be a conformed flunky who didn’t love my own unique exquisiteness. The I am queen.

If I let go of all that I stand for then who would be there for all to look up to?

If I forgot the past then how would I know what made me? What God has used to build me up.

If I wasn’t stern then how flat would I be because they walked all over me?

If I continue to love you then what will happen to me? Who will love me? Not you I see.

-Tiffany Li

An Open Letter of Heartache

Its midnight somewhere while I sip my tea. My mind drifts away to the words I said, the ones I didn’t and the words I speak to you right now even though you are not here. 

Have you ever been here?

I did what you asked. Waited. Waited and waited ever so patiently some more but still years later and you’re not even close to being ready. But I am. 

I always have.

The love you had was promised to be what I’ve always desired. A faithful strong love where we supported one another. But really all I’ve gotten from you was a strong faithful heartache. 

Why does love have to be so difficult? So rough and gritty, I’m exhausted at the thought of you, the mention of your name.

It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Really I swear it shouldn’t have gotten so far.

If only I…

Didn’t let you in.

Blocked you out like my mind told me to. Fight the urges my feeble body had for you. But I was smart.

I didn’t let you in too far. But far enough that all the words that fill my mind would never be enough to say to you. 

But you won’t give me that chance. 

To hear your story, your wants and dreams. Your bads and lows and what secretly makes you smile.

I wanted to know all those things and weakly I have to admit.

I still want to. But you won’t let me. 

And that’s fine I guess because love isn’t worth it if it hurts the way you make it feel. One day you’ll know how it feels. How bad you want to be my friend, my best friend. The one who picks your moles or stirs your coffee just the right way. Who can tell your sighs from your tireds to the you need attentions. 

I truly wanted to take walks with you, share life with you. Smile and yell together. 

But you’ll see 

Because he will. He’ll talk with me at night, rub my hair. Read my stories and make fun of my accent. He will but he won’t be you. 

And that’s the sad part out of all of this.

Even when he starts to appreciate me, making me feel all special and whatnot. You’ll get it, and maybe not even all the way. And I’ll run back to you because even with the bread crumbs you throw me, I’ll follow because I’m hungry for more.

I’ve always liked carbs anyway. 

-Tiffany Li

SMH

Call me crazy but I HATE TEXTING. With a freaking passion!!!! Now I get that it can be convenient when you’re in class or a meeting where you can’t outright have a conversation or the times when all you really need to say is can you pick me up some milk. Truly I think the inventors of texting meant for it to be just that. A mode of conversation set exclusively for small thoughts and quick conversations. I do not think, however, that the inventors of texting meant for their invention to carry relationships, ideas, and whole conversations to the point that we forget what the other persons voice sounds like. 

Is it our generation that damaged the relationship? And if so I dread to see where the children of today is going to take our broken pieces of friendships. Have we become so connected that we are actually disconnected from each other?

But please, before I go on don’t get me wrong, I as a twenty three year old female have nothing against the Internet or technology of our present day. Social media and such has become a great joy of entertainment for me. I am able to appreciate our present times, the swiftness of information and the globalization of the World Wide Web to the point that I can connect with a person in Bulgaria without ever leaving my couch. But I also dwell on the simple days; the 90’s and early 2000’s where cell phones and Myspace were the hottest thing out. The telephone was a blessing and a curse from being able to speak with those miles away but slightly diminishing face to face contact. I enjoyed speaking on the phone, hours spent with my friends on three-way. The laughs and giggles we shared. It was amazing but now that the majority of my friends have fell into the rabbit hole of texting, we have since fell apart. 

There is nothing like speaking to someone directly. Hearing their laugh, listening to their change of tone as they tell a story, feeling their highs and lows as you share one of the most primal means of communication; speech. Nothing can beat that except actually seeing that person but I will pick my battles wisely and just urge you to rethink that LOL text when in all reality you’re not laughing. Replace that WYD to just simply calling and really hearing that the they are at home so bored and hearing your voice brightened up their day. 

So please if you care about someone or simply want to get to know them better take the time out to call them. You’ll gain more in a ten minute conversation than a six hour texting spree filled with LOL’s and WYA’s. Show them that you care, share your hopes and dreams, bond in ways texting can never fulfill. And whatever you do, please don’t text me, you’ll never get a reply.

-Tiffany Li

Work the Dream

"If you want to win the lottery, first you have to make the money to buy a ticket."

How many times have we thought of a brilliant idea?  How many nights have we spent dreaming of how that idea would change our lives as we know it?
We talk about it,  plan it, "what if" about it, but all we could ever do is stay in that little space.  That stagnant stage where dreams feel true and so close to reality that we can almost taste it. And we do, because whatever that dream is, it is ours and no one else's. So only, and if only,  we take the time to buy the lottery ticket, then we'll be one step closer to hitting the jackpot of our award-winning dreams.
Don't give up and never stop dreaming but don't let the dream consume you to the point where you don't wake up and live.
Who knows,  maybe with a little action your life could be better than the dream.

-Tiffany Li

New Site

Hey you! If you're looking for new material I wrote go to my new blog site tiffanysli.wordpress.com. I posted some new stuff. Let me know what you think.